I’m a Black Woman and I Self-Harm
Consider this your trigger warning.
I’m not an adolescent. I’m not White. I’m not acting out for attention.
I am a Black queer woman in my forties who intentionally inflicts pain on her body.
Why the fuck would anyone do that?
Honestly, I have no clue. I only know why I do it. I wish I could say “why I did it in the past” but yeah…
I was fifteen years old the first time I cut. My mother and I had just finished another cruel battle of words. We were both pissed and I was physically ill with frustration. I wanted to punch a wall. However I knew I’d be in even more trouble if I caused any damage.
I stood in the mirror and stared at myself for what felt like hours. Every part of my body flooded with hot flashes of red.
Then I noticed a pair of scissors.
Without thinking I snatched them from the desk and sliced the inside of arm. The cut was so deep that at first there was no blood. It was as if my body had not yet registered the trauma.
And then I did it over and over again. I didn’t stop until the blind hatred inside had eased.
It looked like a crime scene where I was both victim and perpetrator.
